उन्हें डर है पुरुष-प्रधान समाज में स्त्री होने का
मुझे डर है मात्र एक आरोप पर दोषी ठहरा जाने का।
राहों पर सचेत रहो, अच्छा है
किन्तु कौन तुम्हारा दोषी है
पूछ लिया करो।
कि हरेक मनुष्य तुम्हारा पीछा न करेगा
कदाचित उसका घर तुम्हारी गली से अगली गली में होगा।
भेद मिट चुका सै अपणे अर पराए का,
इब बस भय सै, शुद्ध भय।
इस कारण सोया ना जावै,
रात के चार पहर जणु
खाण नै आवै सै।
ना घर, ना गाम,
ना वे ऊंची इमारत आफिस की
किती तै भी चैन ना पावै सै।
भय सै कि मनै कल नै
वे टुच्चे मन आले
मनै मिटा देवेंगे, फंसा देवेंगे
एक जेल होवेगी शायद
जित कोई ना जानेगा शब्द मेरे
उत मनै वे मरवा देवेंगे।
जीवन की युं ही रीत सै
या मेरे दिमाग म्ह ही किमी खोट सै
बेरा नही
बेरा नही
क्यूँकर चैन आवैगा
बाकी जिस मौज म्ह रल कै रव्है
बेरा ना मनै वो पावेगी भी या ना।
शायद मैं भी जेल म्ह ही रहणा चाहूँ
माणस दूजे नै देखना चाहूँ
बरस बीतगे जित 25
वही मैं पूरे जीवन नै भी काटना चाहूँ
मैं जणु वो पँछी
जिस नै पिंजरे तै प्रेम होग्या
जो अपणे पाँख खो कै रहग्या।
पहला मन डरै था,
इब तन भी डरे सै
हल्की सी खड़क पै भी सिहर जावै सै
जीवन बुरा मनै नु बनावै सै।
बाकी आस छोड़ चुका मैं अमृत की
बेरा ना क्यूँ इब हलाहल की प्यास पावै सै।
शायद मनै जरूरत सै एक रुक्का मारण की
सहायता खातर
कदे कोई आ ही जावै
पर इब तक का जो सत्य मनै सै बेरा
कोई ना आवै भाई, कोई ना आवै,
‘यष्क’ कोई ना तनै पावै।
I am wide awake.
This noose around my neck is tighetning.
And I can not sleep.
Even though my eyes are tired
I just can not sleep
There are things I want and I have no use
Just a hoarder
I guess
But to slam a fist
Be it in a wall or a face
Like that dreadful duo of managers
Who do nothing but frolicking every day
They are the one to tell me to do work
I should give them a piece of my mind
I cannot do that becuase
I just cannot risk losing this job
I am tired and I cannot sleep
I await the end of things now
I await the end of night now
For this girl who is easygoign
And thinks self love is easy
It is not
Easy is dying everyday
Easy is humiliation
Easy is walking on the shards of broken piece
But self love is not easy
Anyways
I am sleepy and we all should sleep
I never liked my home. Its walls are dirty. It gets humid in rainy season, and extremely hot in summers. It also leaks during the rains. The paint on walls has always chipped and fell. Its floors are broken. It is small. Just two rooms. No scope for privacy or such things. I always liked the neighbor’s house more. They had the furniture and all the latest thing. Their house is also big.
I hate my home. And I hate my native place too. There I went through all kinds of abuse in childhood and teenage years. Problems related to money. The upper caste kids were a bully. They beat me and snatch my money. I am sure I got this habit of skipping school days from them, and it continues today as I dread going to workplace. Moreover. I have forgotten more than half of the bad things done to me.
What I remember is how it destroyed my family. How my family went from a normal family to a deranged one, I saw it all. And how it has made me dysfunctional in my adult years.
My parents were normal. But once we came to this village, things got bad quickly. Mother had schizophrenia and a host of other mental disease. Father’s alcoholism got bad. Sister got various ailments of hers which affected her. Not only this, the constant lack of money for treatment also made things worse.
Today I am in a good place. I am earning good. But even today, there is this dread that I will lose this job and I will go back to the life I had. It is nightmare, and daymare too if a word like that exists.
The home and native place is the reason I hate myself. And continually and unconsciously continues the self-sabotage. I am afraid of being with a woman.
There are multiple deformities, physical and mental, in me which are due to this place. And now when I have been a year away from it, I want to go back to it. I question if I love my sufferings earnestly. Or just because this is the way I am.
God damn I should not be writing this. But I have to. Because my mind is filled up with thoughts I can’t get rid of, and I know that writing helps. So here it is.
So last year I moved to a new city. New work. New people. You get the gist.
There I met a fella named Santhosh. At first, he seemed nice. And helpful. But it was only at first. From the day one, he started pressurizing me to buy a lic policy from him. His wife is a LIC agent. So it is a commission thing for them. I could not say no, it is my weakness. I am too good to people for my own loss. Anyways, I told him that I can’t buy right now because I was short on money. He waited till March of this year. Then, he started this whole drama again.
What could I do? I caved in.
I bought one policy. The cheapest one. He wasn’t happy. Chided me once or twice for it. I brushed it off. Someone had told me that while you buy a policy from an agent, they pay the premium for two months.
This Santosh fella asked me for the money worth one month’s premium. It irked me. Seriously. I was being good but no more. I gave him the money and thought good riddance.
But no, it wasn’t so. I didn’t pay the premium because he told me that it would be debit automatically from my bank account. Did not pay much heed to it.
Two or rather say three months later, the policy lapsed. My bank did not allow automatic payments. So there were no payments. This fella paid the two months’ premium and late fee on my behalf, even without asking me. Later he came and handed me the receipt. I was flabbergasted. Like how is it supposed to be a good deed?
Come third month. No payments again. I asked him to close the policy. He gets all offensive and asks for three months premium worth of money. I am out of my wits like how is it my problem that you spent your money without even asking me about it. Seriously, I was out of my goddamn mind.
I hate this new city. I hate the people here. Sly motherfuckers. Always undermining me. I am just sad. There have been two deaths in my family and the situation is very bad there. I can’t even grieve them and then this is the bullcrap I have to deal with at workplace. Even my own father is not doing very good. I am stuck at workplace and the thing for which I was hired, I am unable to do it here. I am suffering. And there is no remedy. I wish I was not so poor. If I had ample money then I would not have to leave home and then I could have looked after my parents.
I am sad and afraid. Don’t know what will happen.
telleroftale | कथा वाचक 
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