Stupid Things in Night – Chapter 4

It’s been a long time since I wrote about it. But here it is. I am feeling lonely once again. It is not like it came back. It was always here. It is just that, I have been feeling it more than ever.
What can I write about loneliness? I don’t have words. Much words about it. It is just there. And I feel it. I feel it every second that has passed by, and there is not much help. I have talked with people. Just one or two sentences but it stops there. The knowledge is always there. The reasons are there. But I just couldn’t talk.
I do not want to judge anyone for not talking to me. It just brings more and more hate into the world and life can do some great things without a little or lot less of hate. Hate is just a kind of feeling that is great at time, even though its effect is not great at all. It takes over the mind and just consumes it. I can’t count the times I have hated people and then asked the reason, there was not any. There is not a single reason to hate someone, but it is the thing that can be done sometime. So, we do it. And we are not me and some other person.
Going back to judging people, I do not do it anymore. I see a person and turn off my mind towards them. Good, bad, ridiculous, there is not any kind of thoughts. I have done the same for my friends. And I thought it has driven them away. And it is ok, I think. I have difficulty handling myself and I think it will be too much to ask them to do it for me.
Going back to loneliness, it is always there. Even when there are people everywhere. This thing where you can feel plenty of it in public and not understand why it is happening, this is fumbling for me.
Do you like this word? Fumble. I learnt it yesterday. I must have read it somewhere. Source has skipped my mind and I cannot recollect it. But it is here and I like this word. Fumble means a mistake or error. I like it.

Another thing I like is listening to people. Met an old friend for a brief time. It felt nice. He talked and I listened. I did not have much to say anyways. So, I sat and listened. He talked about his life. He is facing problems with a mutual friend of ours and a girl. The girl does not like our friend and our friend does not like her. And he is stuck between them. And it is confusing for him to deal with them. I am not a solved person and I cannot claim that I would deal with his problem any different than he is doing. For me, he is doing great. He can talk with people and clearly, has made new friends. However difficult they are is a different thing. But a new friend is a good thing. Old friends are nice too. But new friends are good too.
So he talked and I listened. There was not anything I could have done to help or any advice for him. He talked for a while and then went his way.
And, now I sit and think about what he said. It must be nice to have a new friend, and a friend who is a girl too. Having a female friend is nothing new for me. I used to have a few when I was in school. But it was a long time ago and I have, maybe, unlearnt this particular experience. As to how it feels to have a female friend. See here, loneliness, the crazy things you have done to me.
I would like to have a new friend, or maybe a new female friend. I have chances now that I am at this new job. But, this thing, I am talking about it, it feels like a cliché. I talk and write but there is nothing to be done. I do not do anything. I have become wiser in this regard, I feel. Because I know the value of a day and what could be done in a day, but the ways these past years have treated me and the same excuses I repeat every time I face such a dilemma, it is a joke without a punchline. And I am not laughing about it. It is suffering.
And loneliness, I have tried coping and curing it. Some days, I was successful. Some days, I was not. This day is confused at to what kind it wants to become. Maybe it is the kind of day where I crib about the problems I have. I do it once or twice a year. It is my yearly cliché.
But loneliness, it is always here. And it is always the same. Same with the same tnings it does to same. I have you and you will be always here. I know this. But maybe, please be a little different sometimes. It is boring. It is making me boring. Be interesting. Give me new things. A friend will do such things. And you are an old friend of mine. Anyways, I am going to sleep.

Take a day of mine,
Take days of mine,
Then take months,
Make it a year,
Make it two year,
Make it five year,
They have been the same for me.
Make next day different.
Please.

Forgetting

Forgetting you was very easy.

I sat down one day and drank.

I did the same the second day,

And the third and the fourth.

Time passed I do not know,

And maybe I forgot you.

But I drank much then.

And from the past few days,

I have been remembering you,

And this wine just doesn’t feel the same.

I am soaked in the memories of old days,

Yours, mine and maybe theirs too.

But I do not know how to find you again,

Because the last time we met it was crazy.

I shouted and hurled abuses at you.

I knew many big words then and used all of them.

Now I run dry, and clueless about these overwhelming feels.

Should I pray to anyone to help me now?

I remember now the meaning of your words.

I want to tell you but you are nowhere.

And it pains, a great deal.

I wish for it to tone down,

Wither and die maybe.

Because sleep has run away from the nights,

And i do nothing but remember you.

Tried the pills, yoga and meditation too.

Everything useless but the pills were tasty.

I realise the point of no return very well.

You belong there, and the helplessness kills me.

But I am awake tonight and I feel alive,

Free to do anything.

But there is nothing to be done.

So Goodbye, and you should have taken everything with yourself.

I know it is getting tiring and repetitive,

But i still search you in things.

You never knew anything about staying quiet.

And humming loudly you still echo here,

Go on and on and till the breathes continue.

I am coming,but don’t wait.

Rant

Things have been stupid for a while. It seems life is stupid. Everyone I meet is stupid. And I am also stupid.

It did not start like that. The Month of May was good to me in the start. It was 4th or 5th day when it started messing with me. Since then, I have forgotten what a peaceful sleep is like. I used to sleep for 8 to 10 hours daily. That too was deep. Really deep. Like you can shake or slap me and I will not wake up. But it is past. Gone. I cannot sleep like that anymore. I hardly sleep for some five hours now. I wake up and my neck and back pains. I feel drowsy throughout the day.

And then there are these feels. One moment I am calm and happy. Sometimes later I am panicking. It is like I have lost control of my mind. Someone else is doing the thinking for me. And he is really bad at the work he has been doing.

I think about future a lot. It frightens me sometimes. But sometimes it is good to me. There is this fear that I will not be able to achieve anything. I know future is uncertain. But knowing things and doing them has gotten difficult for me lately.

I get angry a lot these days. Even for the smallest of things. It is like I want to pick up a brick and smash it against their hands. Nothing helps the anger but running. I run when I get angry now.

I eat a lot these days. Fast food and soft drinks. Home made food does not taste good now. They make my stomach upset. But I just cannot stop. They have also affected my monthly savings.

And then there is the thing with people. I do not understand them and their actions and what they say. Everything is different. I cannot understand my actions also. I tend to act opposite of my thoughts. What I think is not what comes out of my mouth. It is like a jumbled mess.

Writing down these things, I do not know if they help or not. I am unsure of everything. It has been a month since I have been like this. I have noticed this change in me. But I cannot seem to do anything to change it. And the anger is heavy. The smallest of thing or change is just an excuse for me to get angry.

I have distanced myself from things I used to do. This change is good or bad for me. I do not know. Maybe time will tell.

Coming Back

Installed the app after a long time. And it is comforting.

The why behind coming back is uncertain. I am tired, I think and I want a break from daily life. How is posting blog entries a break, I am yet to make sense of it. But since It is here, it is good. It feels good.

So many things have happened in the meanwhile. Climate has changed. My study goals have changed, and so on.

The only thing big right now, is the on and off tiff with people. I have trouble making friends ever since I became an adult. Making friends was easy in teenage and before. Now, it is difficult. I do not even know how it is done. It is like, I am seeing this person regularly and so let us talk and share things and over the course of time, become friends. Thinking about it is tiresome.

Study goals have changed. As in, I do not know what to do. I want to take admission in some good Colleges but I feel that I am dumb for them. This feel is unnerving and I really want it to go. Mix it with the friends problem, and it gets more tiresome.

Questions are, what to do ahead and if I’ll be able to make any friends. The world does have answer to my question, i think. It is comforting to tell it to myself.

I should sleep.

Stupid Things in Night (Chapter – 1)

I woke up with an unwillingness to start the day’s proceedings. All I wanted to do was lie down, eat and sleep.

So I slept. Morning, afternoon and in evening. Now it is night. Everything has gone silent. I am awake. My back hurts and the bed is uncomfortable. I listen to the same songs again. Repetition is boring. And I am lonely now.

How wonderful it would be to have someone to talk to now, I think. I pick up the phone and go through my Facebook and WhatsApp list. No one to talk to.

I remember things of old days. Mostly school time. College is OK but not memorable. Memories of friends, teachers and crushes come up. And comes this sense of unease. I feel choked with these memories. I get up and walk out of the room.

There is a sudden chill in the wind. It means the arrival of winter. There are hardly any stars in the sky. The only sound comes from the road far away. I go inside.

What a boring person I have become. I was not so. I used to be fun. I remember my friends always laughed when they were with me. But a lot of them got married and have families of their own to support now. I also want to get married. I just have not found a suitable girl yet. Last year father got many proposals from other parents. I turned all of them down. I did not want to get married last year. I was fresh out of College and wanted to live a little. This went on for few months. Lately, there have been no proposals for marriage.

I think about Anjana. She was my classmate. We were best friends for a few months in College before she got herself a boyfriend. She started spending more time with him. Our interactions receded. By the time College ended, she was someone less than a friend but more than an acquaintance. It sucked and I genuinely felt bad when our talks decreased, because she was a good listener.

I want to talk to her. But her Facebook account has been inactive for some time. She must have changed her number, as her WhatsApp status have been invisible to me for a long time. Maybe she has moved on towards the next big things in her life. I feel happiness for a split second. I am happy for her, because she has got things planned. Hardly surprising, since she always knew what to do.

And there was Lata. She was my senior. We met while we participated in inter-class debate competition. From there started the hi-hello in corridors and we progressed to eating lunch and talked often during our free lectures. She was funny. But she graduated soon after.

I did not remember her until today. I search her on Facebook. We have three mutual friends. I also sent a ‘hi’ message along with my friend request.

It is midnight, so the chances of a reply and getting my request accepted are none. I close my eyes and wait for sleep to come.

••

My old friend

My friend,

I am a memory of your past.

Or I am just living it again in these hours of loneliness.

I am alone now, left by all.

But I remember the days when we were together.

It was schooltime.

We ate together, we played together.

We even got our heart broken together.

So many things between us trapped in memories of a time which has gone and will not return,

despite my nonstop requests.

Bring those times back, is the only phrase I can speak these days.

As if our friendship is only limited to those days.

What happened?

Did life happened to us?

Or it was the distance between us and our talks.

I do not want to be a stranger to you.

Someone you will see years later in crowd and try to avoid.

Damn this life and world and people and their practicality at all times.

A man got to live.

Let him live in his memories.

Do not inflict lonelinesses on more and more people.

Let them meet their friends for once and without any kind of worries and limits.

Let them sit together and laugh over old memories and make new one, together.

Where are your friends tonight?

I do not want to face this question ever again.

I say we must be unluckiest of people on the Earth,

When we have got insane means of communication,

And still we have become a stranger to each other.

I feel trapped with memories.

A man can endure God knows how many heartbreaks,

But the silence of his own friends whom he knew better than himself,

It is defying and something unknown to him.

Make new friends and meet new people,

It is all nice and sunshine.

But where are the old pals of yours?

This is the question I need to answer.

Friends do not come with an expiry date.

My friend, let’s meet someday.

I would like to tell you about this life I’ve lived.

You’d tell me about yours.

Now that we are old, do not fret if you tend to forget the days between your memories of things.

We will fill it mad laughter which will go out in all directions.

Let’s sit down and talk,

Before this flickering light of life goes away or our memory of our years fails us.

My friend.

Floating above the crowd has lead me to things.

I picked up their talks and things and learnt that,

It does not matter what the occasion is,

I will always find ways to make it about me.

I am fascinated with myself.

But, It is you I want to be fascinated with.

I want to talk to you, and maybe play these songs.

Yearning with each day and its hours and minutes is useless.

I know it well.

But, I do not want to strip away these notions to their barebones when it does not work.

Mind’s crazy antiques want to treat you like a treasure and put you up on a pedestal.

It is a stupid thing to think and do.

Irksome, they are.

I can only hope if there is some plan to this limited world of ours,

Then it works out for both of us.