Things have been stupid for a while. It seems life is stupid. Everyone I meet is stupid. And I am also stupid.
It did not start like that. The Month of May was good to me in the start. It was 4th or 5th day when it started messing with me. Since then, I have forgotten what a peaceful sleep is like. I used to sleep for 8 to 10 hours daily. That too was deep. Really deep. Like you can shake or slap me and I will not wake up. But it is past. Gone. I cannot sleep like that anymore. I hardly sleep for some five hours now. I wake up and my neck and back pains. I feel drowsy throughout the day.
And then there are these feels. One moment I am calm and happy. Sometimes later I am panicking. It is like I have lost control of my mind. Someone else is doing the thinking for me. And he is really bad at the work he has been doing.
I think about future a lot. It frightens me sometimes. But sometimes it is good to me. There is this fear that I will not be able to achieve anything. I know future is uncertain. But knowing things and doing them has gotten difficult for me lately.
I get angry a lot these days. Even for the smallest of things. It is like I want to pick up a brick and smash it against their hands. Nothing helps the anger but running. I run when I get angry now.
I eat a lot these days. Fast food and soft drinks. Home made food does not taste good now. They make my stomach upset. But I just cannot stop. They have also affected my monthly savings.
And then there is the thing with people. I do not understand them and their actions and what they say. Everything is different. I cannot understand my actions also. I tend to act opposite of my thoughts. What I think is not what comes out of my mouth. It is like a jumbled mess.
Writing down these things, I do not know if they help or not. I am unsure of everything. It has been a month since I have been like this. I have noticed this change in me. But I cannot seem to do anything to change it. And the anger is heavy. The smallest of thing or change is just an excuse for me to get angry.
I have distanced myself from things I used to do. This change is good or bad for me. I do not know. Maybe time will tell.
Installed the app after a long time. And it is comforting.
The why behind coming back is uncertain. I am tired, I think and I want a break from daily life. How is posting blog entries a break, I am yet to make sense of it. But since It is here, it is good. It feels good.
So many things have happened in the meanwhile. Climate has changed. My study goals have changed, and so on.
The only thing big right now, is the on and off tiff with people. I have trouble making friends ever since I became an adult. Making friends was easy in teenage and before. Now, it is difficult. I do not even know how it is done. It is like, I am seeing this person regularly and so let us talk and share things and over the course of time, become friends. Thinking about it is tiresome.
Study goals have changed. As in, I do not know what to do. I want to take admission in some good Colleges but I feel that I am dumb for them. This feel is unnerving and I really want it to go. Mix it with the friends problem, and it gets more tiresome.
Questions are, what to do ahead and if I’ll be able to make any friends. The world does have answer to my question, i think. It is comforting to tell it to myself.
I should sleep.
Exams approach and I have times on my hands. So much of it. And I have problems and they scare me when I do not have any solution.
Take a breathe and run out.
I have forgotten many things..
अभी-अभी मूवी देखी है। मूवी थी ‘सेफ्टी नॉट गारंटीड।’ मैं खुश था। मित्र का फ़ोन आया। मन खट्टा है।
कॉलेज से नाम काट दिया है। मन में गुस्सा है। बहुत है। पूरे कॉलेज में आखिर इनको मैं ही मिला था। इस प्रकार के विचार उमड़ रहे है। इन सबके बीच एक सत्य है। बड़ा कड़वा है। मैं साल के शुरुआत से अब तक कॉलेज ना गया था, तो नाम कटना लाजमी है।
मैं देखूँ तो पाता हूँ कि किसी को कुछ फर्क ना पड़ा है। खुद के रोग से खुद को ही कष्ट होता है। नीरव मोदी रुपये लेकर उड़ गया। ये कष्ट उसका नही पर देश का है। पर मुझे ना होता है। अभी बस मन कड़वा है। रोग मुझे मालूम है, पर उसकी दवा का ना पता है।
Mind has thoughts. They range from funny to ridiculous. When I get tired, I sit down and watch them. They grow and fight each other to gain prominence. There are so many of them, it never stops.
One such thought occured today. I wanted to cry, though I didn’t feel like crying. There wasn’t any reason. My belly was full, and I was lying down after talking with friends. The only absurdity was this sudden thought and it persisted.
I haven’t cried since, I don’t remember. I shed some tears after watching Hachiko, but it was more of an involuntary reaction. I rummaged through present affairs, to see if there’s anything worth crying about. Life isn’t fair, but it’s likable. Even the ghosts of past were living Sunday. So… I laughed. It was a good laugh.
The thought went away soon. But the absurdity is still here. I imagined myself as a preacher. One who tells folks that life isn’t fair and they should search their memory for funny things. Truth is, none would listen. Ergo, I laugh alone.
16 October. Two more days and it will be Diwali.
Continuing my yapping below.
The night sky has stars and a moon. I look at them. The Earth revolves around the Sun and it’s just one of those innumerable stars in Milky way galaxy. This ever expanding Universe has innumerable galaxies and stars. All of it seems so big, it makes my imagination work extra hard. Innumerable stars and innumerable possibilities of anything. All of my worries, regrets, mistakes and stupidities look bleak in face of it. So bleak it makes me question life as I know it.
The wind blows and I still think about the stars, black holes and darkness around them. The sudden rush of knowing that all of human knowledge and achievements and everything said, done or written in human history is just a meagre part of the Earth, which itself is a meagre constituent of the Universe. This knowledge should be humbling. But I tend to forget it in my day-to-day interactions and often revert to my usual persona. So there is it, start from the stars and return to me.
Let me be the center of this Universe,
Ego shall be happy then that everything is about me.