Rant

Things have been stupid for a while. It seems life is stupid. Everyone I meet is stupid. And I am also stupid.

It did not start like that. The Month of May was good to me in the start. It was 4th or 5th day when it started messing with me. Since then, I have forgotten what a peaceful sleep is like. I used to sleep for 8 to 10 hours daily. That too was deep. Really deep. Like you can shake or slap me and I will not wake up. But it is past. Gone. I cannot sleep like that anymore. I hardly sleep for some five hours now. I wake up and my neck and back pains. I feel drowsy throughout the day.

And then there are these feels. One moment I am calm and happy. Sometimes later I am panicking. It is like I have lost control of my mind. Someone else is doing the thinking for me. And he is really bad at the work he has been doing.

I think about future a lot. It frightens me sometimes. But sometimes it is good to me. There is this fear that I will not be able to achieve anything. I know future is uncertain. But knowing things and doing them has gotten difficult for me lately.

I get angry a lot these days. Even for the smallest of things. It is like I want to pick up a brick and smash it against their hands. Nothing helps the anger but running. I run when I get angry now.

I eat a lot these days. Fast food and soft drinks. Home made food does not taste good now. They make my stomach upset. But I just cannot stop. They have also affected my monthly savings.

And then there is the thing with people. I do not understand them and their actions and what they say. Everything is different. I cannot understand my actions also. I tend to act opposite of my thoughts. What I think is not what comes out of my mouth. It is like a jumbled mess.

Writing down these things, I do not know if they help or not. I am unsure of everything. It has been a month since I have been like this. I have noticed this change in me. But I cannot seem to do anything to change it. And the anger is heavy. The smallest of thing or change is just an excuse for me to get angry.

I have distanced myself from things I used to do. This change is good or bad for me. I do not know. Maybe time will tell.

Coming Back

Installed the app after a long time. And it is comforting.

The why behind coming back is uncertain. I am tired, I think and I want a break from daily life. How is posting blog entries a break, I am yet to make sense of it. But since It is here, it is good. It feels good.

So many things have happened in the meanwhile. Climate has changed. My study goals have changed, and so on.

The only thing big right now, is the on and off tiff with people. I have trouble making friends ever since I became an adult. Making friends was easy in teenage and before. Now, it is difficult. I do not even know how it is done. It is like, I am seeing this person regularly and so let us talk and share things and over the course of time, become friends. Thinking about it is tiresome.

Study goals have changed. As in, I do not know what to do. I want to take admission in some good Colleges but I feel that I am dumb for them. This feel is unnerving and I really want it to go. Mix it with the friends problem, and it gets more tiresome.

Questions are, what to do ahead and if I’ll be able to make any friends. The world does have answer to my question, i think. It is comforting to tell it to myself.

I should sleep.

कड़वा मन

अभी-अभी मूवी देखी है। मूवी थी ‘सेफ्टी नॉट गारंटीड।’ मैं खुश था। मित्र का फ़ोन आया। मन खट्टा है।

कॉलेज से नाम काट दिया है। मन में गुस्सा है। बहुत है। पूरे कॉलेज में आखिर इनको मैं ही मिला था। इस प्रकार के विचार उमड़ रहे है। इन सबके बीच एक सत्य है। बड़ा कड़वा है। मैं साल के शुरुआत से अब तक कॉलेज ना गया था, तो नाम कटना लाजमी है।

मैं देखूँ तो पाता हूँ कि किसी को कुछ फर्क ना पड़ा है। खुद के रोग से खुद को ही कष्ट होता है। नीरव मोदी रुपये लेकर उड़ गया। ये कष्ट उसका नही पर देश का है। पर मुझे ना होता है। अभी बस मन कड़वा है। रोग मुझे मालूम है, पर उसकी दवा का ना पता है।

Sunday Talks

Mind has thoughts. They range from funny to ridiculous. When I get tired, I sit down and watch them. They grow and fight each other to gain prominence. There are so many of them, it never stops.

One such thought occured today. I wanted to cry, though I didn’t feel like crying. There wasn’t any reason. My belly was full, and I was lying down after talking with friends. The only absurdity was this sudden thought and it persisted.

I haven’t cried since, I don’t remember. I shed some tears after watching Hachiko, but it was more of an involuntary reaction. I rummaged through present affairs, to see if there’s anything worth crying about. Life isn’t fair, but it’s likable. Even the ghosts of past were living Sunday. So… I laughed. It was a good laugh.

The thought went away soon. But the absurdity is still here. I imagined myself as a preacher. One who tells folks that life isn’t fair and they should search their memory for funny things. Truth is, none would listen. Ergo, I laugh alone.

The Universe and Me

The night sky has stars and a moon. I look at them. The Earth revolves around the Sun and it’s just one of those innumerable stars in Milky way galaxy. This ever expanding Universe has innumerable galaxies and stars. All of it seems so big, it makes my imagination work extra hard. Innumerable stars and innumerable possibilities of anything. All of my worries, regrets, mistakes and stupidities look bleak in face of it. So bleak it makes me question life as I know it.
The wind blows and I still think about the stars, black holes and darkness around them. The sudden rush of knowing that all of human knowledge and achievements and everything said, done or written in human history is just a meagre part of the Earth, which itself is a meagre constituent of the Universe. This knowledge should be humbling. But I tend to forget it in my day-to-day interactions and often revert to my usual persona. So there is it, start from the stars and return to me.
Let me be the center of this Universe,
Ego shall be happy then that everything is about me.

I mixed water with stupidity and guilt and I drank it. It hurts now.

I just did a stupid thing. There’s this whatsapp group which has people. It is meant to be a useful group, just like all whatsapp groups are supposed to be. But it’s just another group where people forward messages in bulk. So this group had some 97 notifications and while checking the messages, I called a girl on whatsapp (I know she was a girl because I read her name). I didn’t want to. I didn’t mean to. But this stupid phone, technology, network, world, hand did it anyway. I am so full of guilt now. I just want to say sorry while hitting my head against the wall while muttering that it won’t happen again. I am taking it too seriously, I know. But I have tried telling myself that all of it was a stupid mistake. But the guilt and what it means kills me bit by bit. It should’ve not happened. Anything like this in on my mind. Guilt is also here. The worst thing about guilt is that it doesn’t come it itself and reveal itself to the world. It stays inside, getting heavy and heavier by each passing moment. I am writing this because I won’t be able to do anything until I get it outside. And this is my escape route.

Things are complicated right now.
I did something and it turned out bad anyhow,
Since both the ends of thing, that is start,
And the end jumbled themselves and did hurt.
Now I sit alone and try to contemplate,
How this guilt is heavy on soul and sorry is great.
All I now pray is for time to fly,
And things shall get over because till then i shall remain shy.

Afterwards, the girl messaged me asking me why I had messaged her. I wrote a long message stating the reason and apologised for the mistake. But still I have this guilt and fear. The fear that she will misunderstand this stupid gesture as a weird chap trying to stalk her and trying to talk to her.

All of it is stupid. And doesn’t make any sense. I should sleep.

Selfie Kisne Li Hai Aaj

I don’t like selfies. Not for the simple fact that my selfies never turn out good. Also not because I want to be different from the herd by having a different viewpoint.

image

Edward Norton in Birdman

I visit a place. Be it a Cinema Hall, a Public place or anything which attracts people. There, I see people, with their hand holding phone stretched out, and they look at it. They make sure that apart from their face, the background is also nice. They do all this while forgetting the place where they’re present in the moment. I have this notion, that people should experience things. They should experience its essence. And when it’s done, then click pictures. Sure a picture is worth thousand words, but people dear to you whom you show your selfies, maybe they like the sound of your voice too.

So, I don’t like selfies because most of the time they distract people from real experience. This is a valid reason, along with the two stated above.

Dhinchak Pooja and Selfie Usne Li Thi Us Din
In today’s fast world, I am an alert citizen. I keep myself updated with all the latest happenings and trends. And this is how I tell a day spent looking at memes.

A few days back, I was going through new youtube videos. A good part of my youtube feed was filled with dhinchak Pooja. She had uploaded a new song, ‘selfie maine le li aaj.’ And there were videos mocking her. I saw ’em and had some laughs. I also the original song. And later, in summation, I had these following thoughts.

1. Internet is an uncertain place. It has no pre-defined rules about liking or disliking a new thing.

2. People should respect each other’s opinion or work, even when they don’t like it.

3. This song is the worst piece of music I have heard. And people are right in mocking, roasting and bashing it.

Thoughts run wild like a group of cattle
Holidays are days when one can afford to waste time to his/her heart’s desire.

I think too much than I ought to think. And most of my thoughts are weird and stupid. I thought about this ‘selfie’ song. And i had several thoughts. Below are some of them.

1. There is a prevailing notion among people, that India is getting intolerant. They fear that their freedom of speech and expression is muffled. Maybe they think that a mob of people, who doesn’t agree with their opinion, will thrash them.
This song proves them wrong. The  people of India are tolerating this song. There is no unrest among people due to this song. Sure, there are videos online mocking her. But the point is, she is free to release her song and people are free to criticise it. Freedom of speech and expression is still here. There are no angry people on road due to this song.

2. For sometime, chinese companies like Oppo, Vivo, Gionee, Huawei and Xiaomi, has been heading our mobile phone market. Thanks to their ads focused on selfies and their splurging, they have done it successfully. It has been bad for swadeshi phone companies like Micromax and karbonn. People never liked Micromax. And now they’ve conveniently forgotten about it.

Dhinchak Pooja is a hardcore nationalist. She was deeply saddened to see our swadeshi phone companies fail. Vivo, Xiaomi and other chinese companies are successful because they emphasise heavily on how great their selfie camera is. Now, thanks to her selfie song, people will stop taking selfies. So they won’t buy chinese phones which excel in capturing selfies. It will drive down the sales of chinese companies, and thus, our swadeshi mobile companies will emerge again.

Late Night Rant

The clock tells it’s 12 A.M. Midnight. Or new day. I don’t care. Silence is here. I like silence.

I was sleeping. Something woke me up. I saw around. No one was present. I tried sleeping again. It didn’t come. Tried everything. Drank water, took a short walk, listened to music, read something; sleep eluded me. And now I feel mad. All day I have to slog through to forget this wasteland and now when I was just about to do it, something woke me up.

Bad dreams. There ain’t a thing like that for me. No dream is as scary as life. And people are stupid. They talk continuously. They talk about how they find relationships and dealing with other people difficult. People are stupid. I couldn’t say it straight to their face. They’d punch me. They talk much and listen little. Everyone does so. This is the problem. No one wants to listen and everyone talks. What a circus.

Memories. I remember them. Little piece of situation stuck in head. It comes at odd times. Makes me useless. It slows me down. Too much for remembering. Now people say memories are good and bad. Keep the good ones and forget the bad ones. I said earlier that people are stupid. They really are. Memories are just time wasted doing something and time wasted again later remembering it. I reek with cynicism.

Love is fake. Or people are. Anyways, both are fake. Belittling self everytime. Telling self they aren’t good enough for someone. Crying over things. Showing affection. Later bitterness. Waiting for the perfect one to arrive. Listening to these romantic songs. Having expectations which are always unmet. Feeling low continuously because an idiot did or said something hurtful. Then picking yourself up. Loving one. Hating him/her later. Late night chats faking intimacy. Always smiling to hide insecurity. Falling in love and then falling out. Feeling low, depressed, dejected. Then the journey of picking up pieces begin. And the worst thing. This shitshow never ends. Everytime you have your head up, there is some stupid trying to mess with it. For all love is, a con job of mind. Heart pumps blood. Mind is messy.