Stupid Things in Night – Chapter 4

It’s been a long time since I wrote about it. But here it is. I am feeling lonely once again. It is not like it came back. It was always here. It is just that, I have been feeling it more than ever.
What can I write about loneliness? I don’t have words. Much words about it. It is just there. And I feel it. I feel it every second that has passed by, and there is not much help. I have talked with people. Just one or two sentences but it stops there. The knowledge is always there. The reasons are there. But I just couldn’t talk.
I do not want to judge anyone for not talking to me. It just brings more and more hate into the world and life can do some great things without a little or lot less of hate. Hate is just a kind of feeling that is great at time, even though its effect is not great at all. It takes over the mind and just consumes it. I can’t count the times I have hated people and then asked the reason, there was not any. There is not a single reason to hate someone, but it is the thing that can be done sometime. So, we do it. And we are not me and some other person.
Going back to judging people, I do not do it anymore. I see a person and turn off my mind towards them. Good, bad, ridiculous, there is not any kind of thoughts. I have done the same for my friends. And I thought it has driven them away. And it is ok, I think. I have difficulty handling myself and I think it will be too much to ask them to do it for me.
Going back to loneliness, it is always there. Even when there are people everywhere. This thing where you can feel plenty of it in public and not understand why it is happening, this is fumbling for me.
Do you like this word? Fumble. I learnt it yesterday. I must have read it somewhere. Source has skipped my mind and I cannot recollect it. But it is here and I like this word. Fumble means a mistake or error. I like it.

Another thing I like is listening to people. Met an old friend for a brief time. It felt nice. He talked and I listened. I did not have much to say anyways. So, I sat and listened. He talked about his life. He is facing problems with a mutual friend of ours and a girl. The girl does not like our friend and our friend does not like her. And he is stuck between them. And it is confusing for him to deal with them. I am not a solved person and I cannot claim that I would deal with his problem any different than he is doing. For me, he is doing great. He can talk with people and clearly, has made new friends. However difficult they are is a different thing. But a new friend is a good thing. Old friends are nice too. But new friends are good too.
So he talked and I listened. There was not anything I could have done to help or any advice for him. He talked for a while and then went his way.
And, now I sit and think about what he said. It must be nice to have a new friend, and a friend who is a girl too. Having a female friend is nothing new for me. I used to have a few when I was in school. But it was a long time ago and I have, maybe, unlearnt this particular experience. As to how it feels to have a female friend. See here, loneliness, the crazy things you have done to me.
I would like to have a new friend, or maybe a new female friend. I have chances now that I am at this new job. But, this thing, I am talking about it, it feels like a cliché. I talk and write but there is nothing to be done. I do not do anything. I have become wiser in this regard, I feel. Because I know the value of a day and what could be done in a day, but the ways these past years have treated me and the same excuses I repeat every time I face such a dilemma, it is a joke without a punchline. And I am not laughing about it. It is suffering.
And loneliness, I have tried coping and curing it. Some days, I was successful. Some days, I was not. This day is confused at to what kind it wants to become. Maybe it is the kind of day where I crib about the problems I have. I do it once or twice a year. It is my yearly cliché.
But loneliness, it is always here. And it is always the same. Same with the same tnings it does to same. I have you and you will be always here. I know this. But maybe, please be a little different sometimes. It is boring. It is making me boring. Be interesting. Give me new things. A friend will do such things. And you are an old friend of mine. Anyways, I am going to sleep.

Take a day of mine,
Take days of mine,
Then take months,
Make it a year,
Make it two year,
Make it five year,
They have been the same for me.
Make next day different.
Please.

Forgetting

Forgetting you was very easy.

I sat down one day and drank.

I did the same the second day,

And the third and the fourth.

Time passed I do not know,

And maybe I forgot you.

But I drank much then.

And from the past few days,

I have been remembering you,

And this wine just doesn’t feel the same.

I am soaked in the memories of old days,

Yours, mine and maybe theirs too.

But I do not know how to find you again,

Because the last time we met it was crazy.

I shouted and hurled abuses at you.

I knew many big words then and used all of them.

Now I run dry, and clueless about these overwhelming feels.

Should I pray to anyone to help me now?

I remember now the meaning of your words.

I want to tell you but you are nowhere.

And it pains, a great deal.

I wish for it to tone down,

Wither and die maybe.

Because sleep has run away from the nights,

And i do nothing but remember you.

Tried the pills, yoga and meditation too.

Everything useless but the pills were tasty.

I realise the point of no return very well.

You belong there, and the helplessness kills me.

But I am awake tonight and I feel alive,

Free to do anything.

But there is nothing to be done.

So Goodbye, and you should have taken everything with yourself.

I know it is getting tiring and repetitive,

But i still search you in things.

You never knew anything about staying quiet.

And humming loudly you still echo here,

Go on and on and till the breathes continue.

I am coming,but don’t wait.

times for angels and devils

times seem harder now,
for the angels and devils,
are alike. No difference.
each one wants to save you,
though their means separate them.
now angels are supposed to be the good guys.
are they? because they demand the complete you,
in turn for saving you.
They save you by letting you serve them.
And devil, the bad guy, he does not,
want to save you.
he just want to serve his purpose.
destruction. stupidity everywhere.
and you gotta clap because devil,
may save you. because,
you would not even know when he was done with you.

whatever you make of them,
keep their meaning away from the holy books of religions.
the suffering is not cured, neither helped,
by the multiple religions and their gods.
they imprison great thoughts and dumb them down.
for their use.
the holy books of this world is the same as the world.
a mirage.
one misunderstood thing.

go on and meet the devil.
or if you like the kindness,
may angels fly with you.
i will be with the world;
real and stupid.

I write words together. Take their literal meaning and, Get them inside whatever brain you have. Life is hell, for us, And no, we are not the chosen ones for this honor. You can have this honor too. But I do not want to share it with anyone. I have it and I want to keep it. To myself and I want to die with it. It ain’t gold so it would not get expensive with time. It ain’t living so it will never die. No one exactly knows what it is. So the thing unknown is useless. I am keeping this forever. I won’t give it you. And I would not even tell anyone of it’s existence. Because the basic nature of people, Is they want the things for which they have no use. Here. You have it. You have no use for it, so, Let me keep it. Let me. Because it will make you like me. And I am alone and I want to be alone, Despite this knowledge that loneliness kills. This slow poison is deep within me. And I have rejected the cure again and again. So think before you come and ask for it. I am keeping it forever.

Rant

Things have been stupid for a while. It seems life is stupid. Everyone I meet is stupid. And I am also stupid.

It did not start like that. The Month of May was good to me in the start. It was 4th or 5th day when it started messing with me. Since then, I have forgotten what a peaceful sleep is like. I used to sleep for 8 to 10 hours daily. That too was deep. Really deep. Like you can shake or slap me and I will not wake up. But it is past. Gone. I cannot sleep like that anymore. I hardly sleep for some five hours now. I wake up and my neck and back pains. I feel drowsy throughout the day.

And then there are these feels. One moment I am calm and happy. Sometimes later I am panicking. It is like I have lost control of my mind. Someone else is doing the thinking for me. And he is really bad at the work he has been doing.

I think about future a lot. It frightens me sometimes. But sometimes it is good to me. There is this fear that I will not be able to achieve anything. I know future is uncertain. But knowing things and doing them has gotten difficult for me lately.

I get angry a lot these days. Even for the smallest of things. It is like I want to pick up a brick and smash it against their hands. Nothing helps the anger but running. I run when I get angry now.

I eat a lot these days. Fast food and soft drinks. Home made food does not taste good now. They make my stomach upset. But I just cannot stop. They have also affected my monthly savings.

And then there is the thing with people. I do not understand them and their actions and what they say. Everything is different. I cannot understand my actions also. I tend to act opposite of my thoughts. What I think is not what comes out of my mouth. It is like a jumbled mess.

Writing down these things, I do not know if they help or not. I am unsure of everything. It has been a month since I have been like this. I have noticed this change in me. But I cannot seem to do anything to change it. And the anger is heavy. The smallest of thing or change is just an excuse for me to get angry.

I have distanced myself from things I used to do. This change is good or bad for me. I do not know. Maybe time will tell.

Coming Back

Installed the app after a long time. And it is comforting.

The why behind coming back is uncertain. I am tired, I think and I want a break from daily life. How is posting blog entries a break, I am yet to make sense of it. But since It is here, it is good. It feels good.

So many things have happened in the meanwhile. Climate has changed. My study goals have changed, and so on.

The only thing big right now, is the on and off tiff with people. I have trouble making friends ever since I became an adult. Making friends was easy in teenage and before. Now, it is difficult. I do not even know how it is done. It is like, I am seeing this person regularly and so let us talk and share things and over the course of time, become friends. Thinking about it is tiresome.

Study goals have changed. As in, I do not know what to do. I want to take admission in some good Colleges but I feel that I am dumb for them. This feel is unnerving and I really want it to go. Mix it with the friends problem, and it gets more tiresome.

Questions are, what to do ahead and if I’ll be able to make any friends. The world does have answer to my question, i think. It is comforting to tell it to myself.

I should sleep.

Stupid Things in Night (Chapter – 3)

I listen to songs. Romantic, sad, songs which have heartbreak and unfaithful lover in themes. Nothing works, for I feel nothing after listening to them. They just do not seem to affect me at all. Hardly a surprise, given I have never dabbled in matters of love and heartbreaks. All I know about it, is from movies and music videos. My friends in school told me things. But those seem more like juvenile fantasies now.

Two more days. Still no reply. I have given up hopes of receiving a message from her. I do not blame her. There is much more important things in life than replying to one’s hi message on Internet. I hope it comes true for me also.

It is a moonless night. I think about love, its scarcity in life. Nothing comes up in mind. Why do I even think about this subject? I have no answer.

It might have to do with my loneliness. But what is loneliness in its truest sense? I have people to talk to. I talk to them. Is loneliness something people face in the night when they are left to themselves? If yes, then I have been having too much of it. It is, the silence of night is apt for a deep sleep. But for the sleepless folks, it is the music of worries, regrets and issues pervading them.

It is unknown to me if I talk sense. Or what I think is right by other people. It is an unusual thing for a silent person to want someone dear to talk about things.

It is night, and I wonder if I am too woke to make sense.

••

I do not remember any of my dreams. I also wonder if I have an inability to visualise a dream in the first place. I remember things which happened, sometimes people and places, memories but not dreams.

Are dreams infinite, in sense that they are beyond the limits of reality?

If yes, then I wonder if I can dream about someone to talk to and possibly heartbreaks too.

Sleep does not come. I want to have a dream, right now.

I am the popular lad. I am the obedient son. I excel in sports and studies. People love me. No one envies me. Girls are madly in love with me. Teachers view me as someone who would make them proud one day in future.

I do not fear anyone or anything. My pictures on Instagram and Facebook receive thousand of likes and shares. People praise me in comments. Whatever written in my captions and wall is regarded as absolute philosophy of the highest order.

I have a girlfriend. She loves me and I love her. I go on long drives with her. She tells me about her deepest desires and secrets she never revealed to anyone.

Success is the only thing which happens whenever I try a new thing. Be it music, musical instruments, writing or even filmmaking. I am brilliant at whatever I do and people and my parents love me for it.

I am a good person. I never did harm anyone. I donate blood and I am an organ donor. I do social work and I teach kids in my free time. Kids love me and they call me ‘Bade Bhaiya.’

I am on good terms with my friends, be old or new ones. Relatives are fond of me. They pray for my wellbeing.

Life is good. And I am the human equivalent of the philosopher’s stone. Everything I touch becomes good.

I have managed to make Earth a better place by bringing real peace. People treat each other with respect now. I have treated AIDS and Cancer and global warming and hate.

The weather is good now. Pollution is non-existent along with nuclear weapons. The world does not have any problem, for it is basically a big family now. Vasudheva Kutumbakam.

A dream like this, is far-fetched even for the most imaginative person. I seek sleep, a place away from this nonsense.

••••

Stupid Things in Night (Chapter – 2)

It has been two days.

Lata accepted my friend request, but there was no reply. I did not message her again. She posts a lot of pictures, so I like them. Staring blankly at her pictures provokes no response. I want her to talk to me.

Umesh came yesterday. He wanted to drink beer. He invited me, but I declined. Past knows I cannot hold liquor, even the littlest of it. Anyways, I wanted to stay sober in case Lata replied to my message.

Umesh must have drunk a lot. He was online till 2 AM.

Lata and I sat on one of the benches in Canteen. I said, “So what are you going to do after graduation?”

“I have not think about it.”

“What is there to think? You will either study or marry someone.”

“I can think about these things. They demand a lot. Or I can just stay at home, learn new things or travel.”

“What new things? And travel?”

“Maybe I will learn cooking or knitting. And I want to go to a lot of places.”

“I thought you learnt these household chores growing up.”

“I did not. I used to study then and the rest of the time was spent with friends.”

“What happened to your friends? I think I am your only friend these days.”

“I still keep in touch with my old friends. They are studying in different Colleges. And you are not the only friend I have. Maybe I am the only friend you have.”

“You are right.”

“So what happened with your friends?”

“Same thing. They are studying in different colleges. And I am not great at keeping in touch. You said something about traveling.”

“I will go to Kasauli. It is so beautiful there.”

“Ok…”

••

I remember the day I drank. It was the last day of school. My friends insisted and I declined. But they said about last day of our school and something about memories and friendship. I drank a little then.

It burned my tongue, throat and stomach. I was sick and threw a vomit.

I never drank after that fateful day. I never met my friends after that day either. Sure, I attended their marriages but I went there with no hopes of reunion. And it never happened.

I wonder if they even remember me now.

•••

I feel old.

The Night is so thick, I am sure my shouts will not be able to penetrate it.

I do not like this. I do not like myself.

I fed a street dog yesterday. He seemed happy. He is not present today. I have saved a roti for him.

I look at the walls. They do not have the answers to my queries.

I pickup the phone and type another message to Lata, asking her how she is. And now I wait for her reply.

••••

Stupid Things in Night (Chapter – 1)

I woke up with an unwillingness to start the day’s proceedings. All I wanted to do was lie down, eat and sleep.

So I slept. Morning, afternoon and in evening. Now it is night. Everything has gone silent. I am awake. My back hurts and the bed is uncomfortable. I listen to the same songs again. Repetition is boring. And I am lonely now.

How wonderful it would be to have someone to talk to now, I think. I pick up the phone and go through my Facebook and WhatsApp list. No one to talk to.

I remember things of old days. Mostly school time. College is OK but not memorable. Memories of friends, teachers and crushes come up. And comes this sense of unease. I feel choked with these memories. I get up and walk out of the room.

There is a sudden chill in the wind. It means the arrival of winter. There are hardly any stars in the sky. The only sound comes from the road far away. I go inside.

What a boring person I have become. I was not so. I used to be fun. I remember my friends always laughed when they were with me. But a lot of them got married and have families of their own to support now. I also want to get married. I just have not found a suitable girl yet. Last year father got many proposals from other parents. I turned all of them down. I did not want to get married last year. I was fresh out of College and wanted to live a little. This went on for few months. Lately, there have been no proposals for marriage.

I think about Anjana. She was my classmate. We were best friends for a few months in College before she got herself a boyfriend. She started spending more time with him. Our interactions receded. By the time College ended, she was someone less than a friend but more than an acquaintance. It sucked and I genuinely felt bad when our talks decreased, because she was a good listener.

I want to talk to her. But her Facebook account has been inactive for some time. She must have changed her number, as her WhatsApp status have been invisible to me for a long time. Maybe she has moved on towards the next big things in her life. I feel happiness for a split second. I am happy for her, because she has got things planned. Hardly surprising, since she always knew what to do.

And there was Lata. She was my senior. We met while we participated in inter-class debate competition. From there started the hi-hello in corridors and we progressed to eating lunch and talked often during our free lectures. She was funny. But she graduated soon after.

I did not remember her until today. I search her on Facebook. We have three mutual friends. I also sent a ‘hi’ message along with my friend request.

It is midnight, so the chances of a reply and getting my request accepted are none. I close my eyes and wait for sleep to come.

••

My old friend

My friend,

I am a memory of your past.

Or I am just living it again in these hours of loneliness.

I am alone now, left by all.

But I remember the days when we were together.

It was schooltime.

We ate together, we played together.

We even got our heart broken together.

So many things between us trapped in memories of a time which has gone and will not return,

despite my nonstop requests.

Bring those times back, is the only phrase I can speak these days.

As if our friendship is only limited to those days.

What happened?

Did life happened to us?

Or it was the distance between us and our talks.

I do not want to be a stranger to you.

Someone you will see years later in crowd and try to avoid.

Damn this life and world and people and their practicality at all times.

A man got to live.

Let him live in his memories.

Do not inflict lonelinesses on more and more people.

Let them meet their friends for once and without any kind of worries and limits.

Let them sit together and laugh over old memories and make new one, together.

Where are your friends tonight?

I do not want to face this question ever again.

I say we must be unluckiest of people on the Earth,

When we have got insane means of communication,

And still we have become a stranger to each other.

I feel trapped with memories.

A man can endure God knows how many heartbreaks,

But the silence of his own friends whom he knew better than himself,

It is defying and something unknown to him.

Make new friends and meet new people,

It is all nice and sunshine.

But where are the old pals of yours?

This is the question I need to answer.

Friends do not come with an expiry date.

My friend, let’s meet someday.

I would like to tell you about this life I’ve lived.

You’d tell me about yours.

Now that we are old, do not fret if you tend to forget the days between your memories of things.

We will fill it mad laughter which will go out in all directions.

Let’s sit down and talk,

Before this flickering light of life goes away or our memory of our years fails us.

My friend.