Stupid Things in Night – Chapter 4

It’s been a long time since I wrote about it. But here it is. I am feeling lonely once again. It is not like it came back. It was always here. It is just that, I have been feeling it more than ever.
What can I write about loneliness? I don’t have words. Much words about it. It is just there. And I feel it. I feel it every second that has passed by, and there is not much help. I have talked with people. Just one or two sentences but it stops there. The knowledge is always there. The reasons are there. But I just couldn’t talk.
I do not want to judge anyone for not talking to me. It just brings more and more hate into the world and life can do some great things without a little or lot less of hate. Hate is just a kind of feeling that is great at time, even though its effect is not great at all. It takes over the mind and just consumes it. I can’t count the times I have hated people and then asked the reason, there was not any. There is not a single reason to hate someone, but it is the thing that can be done sometime. So, we do it. And we are not me and some other person.
Going back to judging people, I do not do it anymore. I see a person and turn off my mind towards them. Good, bad, ridiculous, there is not any kind of thoughts. I have done the same for my friends. And I thought it has driven them away. And it is ok, I think. I have difficulty handling myself and I think it will be too much to ask them to do it for me.
Going back to loneliness, it is always there. Even when there are people everywhere. This thing where you can feel plenty of it in public and not understand why it is happening, this is fumbling for me.
Do you like this word? Fumble. I learnt it yesterday. I must have read it somewhere. Source has skipped my mind and I cannot recollect it. But it is here and I like this word. Fumble means a mistake or error. I like it.

Another thing I like is listening to people. Met an old friend for a brief time. It felt nice. He talked and I listened. I did not have much to say anyways. So, I sat and listened. He talked about his life. He is facing problems with a mutual friend of ours and a girl. The girl does not like our friend and our friend does not like her. And he is stuck between them. And it is confusing for him to deal with them. I am not a solved person and I cannot claim that I would deal with his problem any different than he is doing. For me, he is doing great. He can talk with people and clearly, has made new friends. However difficult they are is a different thing. But a new friend is a good thing. Old friends are nice too. But new friends are good too.
So he talked and I listened. There was not anything I could have done to help or any advice for him. He talked for a while and then went his way.
And, now I sit and think about what he said. It must be nice to have a new friend, and a friend who is a girl too. Having a female friend is nothing new for me. I used to have a few when I was in school. But it was a long time ago and I have, maybe, unlearnt this particular experience. As to how it feels to have a female friend. See here, loneliness, the crazy things you have done to me.
I would like to have a new friend, or maybe a new female friend. I have chances now that I am at this new job. But, this thing, I am talking about it, it feels like a cliché. I talk and write but there is nothing to be done. I do not do anything. I have become wiser in this regard, I feel. Because I know the value of a day and what could be done in a day, but the ways these past years have treated me and the same excuses I repeat every time I face such a dilemma, it is a joke without a punchline. And I am not laughing about it. It is suffering.
And loneliness, I have tried coping and curing it. Some days, I was successful. Some days, I was not. This day is confused at to what kind it wants to become. Maybe it is the kind of day where I crib about the problems I have. I do it once or twice a year. It is my yearly cliché.
But loneliness, it is always here. And it is always the same. Same with the same tnings it does to same. I have you and you will be always here. I know this. But maybe, please be a little different sometimes. It is boring. It is making me boring. Be interesting. Give me new things. A friend will do such things. And you are an old friend of mine. Anyways, I am going to sleep.

Take a day of mine,
Take days of mine,
Then take months,
Make it a year,
Make it two year,
Make it five year,
They have been the same for me.
Make next day different.
Please.

खामखा फरियादी बने है

हम पूछ बैठे कि दुःख काहे इतना सारा है,

किधर शुरू और कहाँ ये खत्म हो,

हमने तनिक इतना पूछा।

आप उत्तर दे ना पाओ,

या आपका उतर हमे पसन्द ना आये,

बस स्मरण रहे कि हम केवल फिल्मी बातें ना दोहराए है।

कुछ बीस बरस की जिन्दगानी जिसमे,

पंद्रह या सौलह मुफ़्तख़ोरी के है,

अब जब हम यहां तक ऐसे आये,

तो क्यों आज हम निकम्मे और नालायक कहलाए।

बड़ी इमारतें, गाड़ी और इनमें बसते बड़े लोग,

क्यों ना हमें भी अपने बीच स्थान दिलवाओ।

मानते है औकात कम है और,

फकीरी का रुतबा पहले जैसा ना है,

परन्तु इंसानियत अभी भी जिंदा होनी तो चाहिए ही।

कामचोरी की दिक्कत ना है हमें,

भरपूर किस्म के दंश झेले फिरते है हम,

पर पुश्तैनी नाम हमारा इतना मजबूत ना हुआ,

कि हम उसको जोड़कर अपना दुःख बाजारू करें।

मेरे सरकारी माईबाप,

बस कदम चूमेंगे या पैर दबाएंगे,

तुम कहो तो तुम्हारे बोले को गीतापाठ समझ बोल जाएंगे,

तुम कहो तो हम पानी समझ तेजाब पी जाएंगे,

केवल सरकारी नौकरी दे देना।

दरअसल मुद्दा यह है कि तंगी केवल रुपयों की ही ना है,

पर रिश्तेदारों और अजीज जानकारों के बीच इज्जत की भी है।

सब कामचोर समझते है।

तुम्हारी कृपा होगी तो इज्जत भतेरी होगी।

दुःख झेलना हमारा रोज का कार्य है,

कहो कि आदत हुई है अब यह,

बस ये इज्जत का मामला रुलाता है।

दुःख रोज मिले पर रिश्तेदार साल में एक बार,

तो उनकी हँसी हमें तीखा कुरेदती है।

अंत करे तो अब किस्मत को कहते है,

कि क्यों हमसे रूठी हुई हो।

क्यों हमारे मन मुताबिक ना बनती है।

कहो तो मनाने के लिए व्रत करे या उपवास।

बल्कि यह बात तो हम संसार से कहेंगे,

कि क्या उपाय करें कि तुम अपनी विशालता का एक हिस्सा या एक कोना,

हमारे साथ बाँटो।

हम जुगाड़ी बंधु है सारे।

कमी पड़ने पर सब मिलजुल हिसाब बैठा लेते है।

तुम्हारा कोना अगर हमारे पैरो को छोटा भी पड़े,

तो घुटनो के बल भी हम किसी तरह,

उसमे चले जायेंगे और खुश रहेंगे।

उस पल का एक कष्टदायक सुख,

हमारे वर्तमान की तुलना में बेहतर ही होगा।

तो अब बताओ कि कब यह सब हो रहा है,

हुक्म करो तो पंडित से मुहूर्त निकलवाए,

कोई कमी पड़े तो फौरन बताओ,

हम अभी जुगाड़ बैठाए।

हम अभी जुगाड़ बैठाए।

बस इन दुःखो का टिकाऊ इलाज कर दो,

फिर हम भी चैन-सुख से सो जाएं।

Thank You!

I checked out my notifications today. I have fifty followers now. I thank each one of you, for tolerating the nonsense I post often. Also thanks to people who comment and reply to my comments, for it is just good to know.

Two years ago, I made this blog. Then, it was just a place where I would come and complain. It was my escape from real world.

Blogs felt awkward at first. There were blogs which had multitude of followers, posts, comments and likes. I’d like that for myself, I thought then. Who wouldn’t? A constant stream of praise and good things. Everyone would’ve wanted it if they could have it. And there were people who had it. How? What did they do? I didn’t know then and I don’t know now. Maybe it was posts which people found resonating with their inner desires and thoughts. Or people actually like to connect with each other over similar likes. I don’t know. For me, it is things I like and gratitude. Gratitude for people who took time to type each word and helped me have a good time.

I AM A GODDAMN WRITER
I so want to call myself a writer and a poet. I am not. Mind knows a million things I’d like to be. It’s like I want to be everything, without doing anything.

I respect writers and poets. I hold them in high esteem. I’m led to believe, that all people deep down are alike. Confused and dazed in chaos of emotions. Unsure about things they want and their needs. And we do a nice job pretending we are normal. It’s like we hide ourselves from each other. Perhaps our minds make us do it. All of this happens everytime. So when I see one human who has got his/her emotions clear and can talk about them in detail with fellow people. One who can make people realise that it is perfectly fine to be afraid of life and unknown. I believe these people are good human beings.

I must end this post now.
If you’re still reading this, then I’d like you to know that I am thankful to you for time you spent reading this nonsense.