Stupid Things in Night (Chapter – 1)

I woke up with an unwillingness to start the day’s proceedings. All I wanted to do was lie down, eat and sleep.

So I slept. Morning, afternoon and in evening. Now it is night. Everything has gone silent. I am awake. My back hurts and the bed is uncomfortable. I listen to the same songs again. Repetition is boring. And I am lonely now.

How wonderful it would be to have someone to talk to now, I think. I pick up the phone and go through my Facebook and WhatsApp list. No one to talk to.

I remember things of old days. Mostly school time. College is OK but not memorable. Memories of friends, teachers and crushes come up. And comes this sense of unease. I feel choked with these memories. I get up and walk out of the room.

There is a sudden chill in the wind. It means the arrival of winter. There are hardly any stars in the sky. The only sound comes from the road far away. I go inside.

What a boring person I have become. I was not so. I used to be fun. I remember my friends always laughed when they were with me. But a lot of them got married and have families of their own to support now. I also want to get married. I just have not found a suitable girl yet. Last year father got many proposals from other parents. I turned all of them down. I did not want to get married last year. I was fresh out of College and wanted to live a little. This went on for few months. Lately, there have been no proposals for marriage.

I think about Anjana. She was my classmate. We were best friends for a few months in College before she got herself a boyfriend. She started spending more time with him. Our interactions receded. By the time College ended, she was someone less than a friend but more than an acquaintance. It sucked and I genuinely felt bad when our talks decreased, because she was a good listener.

I want to talk to her. But her Facebook account has been inactive for some time. She must have changed her number, as her WhatsApp status have been invisible to me for a long time. Maybe she has moved on towards the next big things in her life. I feel happiness for a split second. I am happy for her, because she has got things planned. Hardly surprising, since she always knew what to do.

And there was Lata. She was my senior. We met while we participated in inter-class debate competition. From there started the hi-hello in corridors and we progressed to eating lunch and talked often during our free lectures. She was funny. But she graduated soon after.

I did not remember her until today. I search her on Facebook. We have three mutual friends. I also sent a ‘hi’ message along with my friend request.

It is midnight, so the chances of a reply and getting my request accepted are none. I close my eyes and wait for sleep to come.

••

On Losing Friends

Hey feelings
Come here and hit me hard
I promise I won’t  bleed
But I will shed tears.

I lost some friends today. One of them was my childhood friend and other was friend from the past two years. How I feel now? I don’t know. There is a numbing pain in heart which doesn’t go. It’s faint, but it is there. All I do is tell myself that this phase will pass.

What happened?
Excess of everything is bad.

I trusted my friends way too much. It was mistake on my part. But what purpose do friends serve then? Shouldn’t they be there to catch you when you fall? Or it is just that we hang out for a few days, talk about things and spend money all this time while doing nothing. Well, it wasn’t the case with me. I am not saying I did nothing wrong. I did. But i admitted my mistake and expected that they’ll forgive me. Like i forgave them earlier. But it wasn’t the case.

Men, Weakness and Society
Modern society has an interesting concept about man. It is that we are big and muscular walking bodies which are hollow from inside and the only thing we feel is hunger. If a man cries, he ain’t man then. He’s a pussy. It’s like we don’t have emotions. Who proposed this foolish notion?

I want to cry. A lot. But I won’t. Crying over past. I won’t do it anymore.

और क्या करू (Aur Kya Karoon)

आज कुछ और सैनिक मारे गए
कल कुछ और मारे जायेंगे
परसो और भी ज्यादा मारे जायेंगे
हम आज कड़ी निंदा करते है
और कल भी कर देंगे।

मैं जनता हूँ
इसका एक हिस्सा हूँ
नया खून हूँ जोकि उबलता और खौलता है
मैं सोशल-नेटवर्किंग साइट्स पे निंदा कर दूंगा
बड़े-बड़े वाक्यो में तुम्हारी मौत पर शौक जताऊंगा
इससे निपटने के दस तरीके बता दूंगा
सरकार की निंदा कर दूंगा
पाकिस्तान की माँ-बहन कर दूंगा
मृतको को रिप-रिप कर दूंगा
मेरे मोहल्ले की चाय की दूकान पर
रोज शाम को बुढ़ों और जवानो की बैठक लगती है
वहां मैं बैठकर कुछ तगड़ा सा वाक्य बोलकर
अपना जोर मनवा लूँगा
मैं मोमबत्ती लेके सड़को पर निकलूंगा
मैं ए०सी० वाली दुकानों पर बैठके कॉफ़ी गटकूँगा
और अंग्रेजी में दो-चार चबड़-चबड़ कर दूंगा
मैं न्यूज़ चैनल्स पे दुनिया भर की बकचोदी सुनूंगा
और अंत में उन्हें चुतिया कहकर अपना गुस्सा व्यक्त कर दूंगा
मैं चुनावी रैलियों और सम्मेलनों में जाऊंगा
नेता कोई भाषण देगा और तुम्हारी बहादुरी का जिक्र करेगा
मैं गदगद होकर तालियां ठोकुंगा
मैं कल सुबह अपने कुत्ते और स्वयं को घुमाने निकलूंगा
कोई मिला तो हम दोनों साथ मिलकर
अपनी व्यस्तता से समय निकालकर
तुम्हारे ऊपर चर्चा जरूर करेंगे
मैं कवि भी हूँ
एक कोने में बैठकर कुछ तुकबंदी लगाउँगा
कुछ लंबी-लंबी पंक्तिया तुम पर लिख लिख दूंगा
फिर उन्हें तुम्हारे नाम पर कही छपवा दूंगा या बोलूंगा
उस पल मेरी छाती का फुलाव देखना
और सबकी तालियाँ पिटवाऊंगा
उस पल मुझे और मेरे मैं को अच्छा लगेगा
मैं तुम्हारे लिए एक स्मारक बनवाऊंगा
उसके उद्घाटन के लिए किसी चूतिये नेता को बुलाऊंगा
फिर उसकी बकैती सहन करके उसका पक्ष पाउँगा
खैर मैं बहुत कुछ कर दूँगा
तुम्हे पता नहीं है
जनता सोया हुआ शेर है
जागेगा तो फाड़ डालेगा सब कुछ।

साधों,
मैं बहुत कुछ कर दूंगा
पर मुझे आज ना पता चला
कि ये जो जवान मरते है
ये कौन होते है?
किस बिजनेसमैन या नेता के लड़के होते है
देहात या शहर
कहाँ से निकल कर आते है
क्यों करते है ये वो नौकरी
जिसमे इन्हें साफ़ पता होता है
की मौत सदा इनके साथ चलेगी
क्या चलता है इनके मन में
की बस ये चलते जाते है
किसी को इनका पता ना चलता है
क्या किया क्या करना पड़ता है
कब इनके प्राण छूट गए
एक गोली ने इन्हें एक आदमी से एक स्टेटिस्टिक्स बना दिया
भाई कौन होते है हे लोग
इनका घर परिवार ना होता क्या
कोई पत्नी प्रेमिका या बच्चे
बस चले जाते है
चले जाते है
और एक कड़ी निंदा के मोहताज रह जाते है।

Stupid & Scared

My College is a wild place. Young energy, in all shape and size, flows there. However, at times, this energy goes a wee bit over the mark.

Today, a chap was beaten here. Why? He sent fb message to a girl. The girl, in turn, told her boyfriend. Her boyfriend, in turn, thrashed him. A funny chain of events. However, this has made me afraid.

A month of two back, there was this girl on facebook whom I came across. She was lovely. I wanted to talk to her. But there was no way. So I sent her two messages. But I didn’t send any lame hi or hello message, I thought for a bit and sent her two couplets. Maybe they qualify for poetry. But there was no reply and I forgot about it. Until today when the beating reminded me.

I am a little bit scared. Everytime I try to divert my thoughts from this matter, they come back. And I am tired. So I’m left with no other option rather than write about it.

The Private Space
Every one has their private space online. And no one likes when it is infringed upon.
Yes. I do understand that girl must’ve disliked this act of mine where I sent her messages. And I feel sorry for it (not because of the stupid beating). I feel sorry for it was a desperate and stupid move and it caused someone a little bit of distress. It was only later I realised it. Everyone has a private space and one should respect it. If one isn’t interested in you, move on. However, the damage was already done.

Was I wrong?
I don’t know. But I admit it was a stupid thing. Maybe I am a bit over reacting here because I am scared.

Not trying to sympathise to attract some niceties, women, online, go through these kind of stupidity umpteen times in a day. Some people are nice, some downright rude and some creepy as creepy gets. Where do I fit? I don’t know.

I don’t  know a lot, but apology.

Happenings

These are random things. They come to me often and I have no clue what to do with them. So I write them here.

The Online Rating
I am an avid user of facebook. I don’t use it to connect with people. I use it to ignore people when I am in the open. What I do there? Mostly I flip through people’s pictures, look at some pictures and gawk at beautiful girls. And i rate them out of 10, in my mind. This is a stupid practice. Who am I to rate and judge them? I don’t have much to berate myself. I am an idiot in my daily practices.

Pictures on display are made up of pixels. RGB. Colors. They make everything I see on screen. Then how come a girl appears exquisite. Loneliness, look at what you’ve made me do.

The Ghosts of Yesteryears
Today, in College, I stood at the chowk. I looked at people, busy in their business. The girls were pretty though, I admit. Now, a friend comes up and informs me she is there. On hearing this, I ran. I ran till I reached the gate. There, I took a breath and composed myself.
Now, after five hours, I still can’t grasp what made me run from there. Was it her? Was it the unfulfilled expectations? Or was it just that I was bored. I don’t know exactly.