अभी-अभी मूवी देखी है। मूवी थी ‘सेफ्टी नॉट गारंटीड।’ मैं खुश था। मित्र का फ़ोन आया। मन खट्टा है।
कॉलेज से नाम काट दिया है। मन में गुस्सा है। बहुत है। पूरे कॉलेज में आखिर इनको मैं ही मिला था। इस प्रकार के विचार उमड़ रहे है। इन सबके बीच एक सत्य है। बड़ा कड़वा है। मैं साल के शुरुआत से अब तक कॉलेज ना गया था, तो नाम कटना लाजमी है।
मैं देखूँ तो पाता हूँ कि किसी को कुछ फर्क ना पड़ा है। खुद के रोग से खुद को ही कष्ट होता है। नीरव मोदी रुपये लेकर उड़ गया। ये कष्ट उसका नही पर देश का है। पर मुझे ना होता है। अभी बस मन कड़वा है। रोग मुझे मालूम है, पर उसकी दवा का ना पता है।
Mind has thoughts. They range from funny to ridiculous. When I get tired, I sit down and watch them. They grow and fight each other to gain prominence. There are so many of them, it never stops.
One such thought occured today. I wanted to cry, though I didn’t feel like crying. There wasn’t any reason. My belly was full, and I was lying down after talking with friends. The only absurdity was this sudden thought and it persisted.
I haven’t cried since, I don’t remember. I shed some tears after watching Hachiko, but it was more of an involuntary reaction. I rummaged through present affairs, to see if there’s anything worth crying about. Life isn’t fair, but it’s likable. Even the ghosts of past were living Sunday. So… I laughed. It was a good laugh.
The thought went away soon. But the absurdity is still here. I imagined myself as a preacher. One who tells folks that life isn’t fair and they should search their memory for funny things. Truth is, none would listen. Ergo, I laugh alone.
The night sky has stars and a moon. I look at them. The Earth revolves around the Sun and it’s just one of those innumerable stars in Milky way galaxy. This ever expanding Universe has innumerable galaxies and stars. All of it seems so big, it makes my imagination work extra hard. Innumerable stars and innumerable possibilities of anything. All of my worries, regrets, mistakes and stupidities look bleak in face of it. So bleak it makes me question life as I know it.
The wind blows and I still think about the stars, black holes and darkness around them. The sudden rush of knowing that all of human knowledge and achievements and everything said, done or written in human history is just a meagre part of the Earth, which itself is a meagre constituent of the Universe. This knowledge should be humbling. But I tend to forget it in my day-to-day interactions and often revert to my usual persona. So there is it, start from the stars and return to me.
Let me be the center of this Universe,
Ego shall be happy then that everything is about me.
I mixed water with stupidity and guilt and I drank it. It hurts now.
I just did a stupid thing. There’s this whatsapp group which has people. It is meant to be a useful group, just like all whatsapp groups are supposed to be. But it’s just another group where people forward messages in bulk. So this group had some 97 notifications and while checking the messages, I called a girl on whatsapp (I know she was a girl because I read her name). I didn’t want to. I didn’t mean to. But this stupid phone, technology, network, world, hand did it anyway. I am so full of guilt now. I just want to say sorry while hitting my head against the wall while muttering that it won’t happen again. I am taking it too seriously, I know. But I have tried telling myself that all of it was a stupid mistake. But the guilt and what it means kills me bit by bit. It should’ve not happened. Anything like this in on my mind. Guilt is also here. The worst thing about guilt is that it doesn’t come it itself and reveal itself to the world. It stays inside, getting heavy and heavier by each passing moment. I am writing this because I won’t be able to do anything until I get it outside. And this is my escape route.
Things are complicated right now.
I did something and it turned out bad anyhow,
Since both the ends of thing, that is start,
And the end jumbled themselves and did hurt.
Now I sit alone and try to contemplate,
How this guilt is heavy on soul and sorry is great.
All I now pray is for time to fly,
And things shall get over because till then i shall remain shy.
Afterwards, the girl messaged me asking me why I had messaged her. I wrote a long message stating the reason and apologised for the mistake. But still I have this guilt and fear. The fear that she will misunderstand this stupid gesture as a weird chap trying to stalk her and trying to talk to her.
All of it is stupid. And doesn’t make any sense. I should sleep.