Rant

Things have been stupid for a while. It seems life is stupid. Everyone I meet is stupid. And I am also stupid.

It did not start like that. The Month of May was good to me in the start. It was 4th or 5th day when it started messing with me. Since then, I have forgotten what a peaceful sleep is like. I used to sleep for 8 to 10 hours daily. That too was deep. Really deep. Like you can shake or slap me and I will not wake up. But it is past. Gone. I cannot sleep like that anymore. I hardly sleep for some five hours now. I wake up and my neck and back pains. I feel drowsy throughout the day.

And then there are these feels. One moment I am calm and happy. Sometimes later I am panicking. It is like I have lost control of my mind. Someone else is doing the thinking for me. And he is really bad at the work he has been doing.

I think about future a lot. It frightens me sometimes. But sometimes it is good to me. There is this fear that I will not be able to achieve anything. I know future is uncertain. But knowing things and doing them has gotten difficult for me lately.

I get angry a lot these days. Even for the smallest of things. It is like I want to pick up a brick and smash it against their hands. Nothing helps the anger but running. I run when I get angry now.

I eat a lot these days. Fast food and soft drinks. Home made food does not taste good now. They make my stomach upset. But I just cannot stop. They have also affected my monthly savings.

And then there is the thing with people. I do not understand them and their actions and what they say. Everything is different. I cannot understand my actions also. I tend to act opposite of my thoughts. What I think is not what comes out of my mouth. It is like a jumbled mess.

Writing down these things, I do not know if they help or not. I am unsure of everything. It has been a month since I have been like this. I have noticed this change in me. But I cannot seem to do anything to change it. And the anger is heavy. The smallest of thing or change is just an excuse for me to get angry.

I have distanced myself from things I used to do. This change is good or bad for me. I do not know. Maybe time will tell.

Anger and Friends

So heavy this head gets
When these voices speak
I bang my head against wall
But instead of head
The pocket gets lighter

I have friends
Or maybe i had some
Some things they did
Some things I said
And then they turned away

But wait
You turned your back on me
Because of me
What the fuck did i just heard
Take the words back you glitch

A clap takes two hands
Not one
If there is only me in this brawl
Then you’re mistaken gravely
You need to be shaken and waken up
And see the reality which lies in front of you
But i know for sure
That you won’t
Never ever
You won’t

I’ve come to realise what my mistake was
I spoke too much and misunderstood your resiliency
I thought you’d take it in good humour
But you aren’t what i thought you were
You aren’t your laugh but ego
And the ego is bigger than the two of us combined
But i can’t take it any longer
If you want to go
Then please go

Don’t start this drama again
That you were right and me wrong
Cause i don’t understand half the things you spew
I think you’re short on words
I suggest go and tackle some books
Learn and come back
And then frame me with new accuses
Think of new things to drown me in guilt
Go your way
Do things and come back
I won’t be gone too far

Miss you
No i won’t
Sure there will be a hole
But it will fade away within days
Your habit i had
Things i were dependent on you for
They will get done
Though a little late
Without your help
But i am sure sooner or later i will get over you my friend

Untitled

There is so much anger
In me that i want to spray
Kick my feet against a wall
Or even start a brawl
I just couldn’t care enough
To listen things people bluff.
Good things are good
Bad things ain’t bad
Who taught you this
I ask you beforehand
Before i tell my tale
In my half baked attempts
Things might come to me
Which i was unable to say
There was this love
For whom i used to care a lot
Now it is dead in there
It pains but it hurts me not
All these feelings inside
Bottled up against pride
Too heavy to take a fall
And this thing indeed takes a toll.
I too used to be a human like you
But overtime I changed
There is a mist
Which I can’t see through
The glass is fogged
The future I haven’t seen
Present is pathetic scene
If i try to describe
What i write
Why i pen down something
Or something i inscribe
I might say anything
But I choke when I see her glide.