Things have been stupid for a while. It seems life is stupid. Everyone I meet is stupid. And I am also stupid.
It did not start like that. The Month of May was good to me in the start. It was 4th or 5th day when it started messing with me. Since then, I have forgotten what a peaceful sleep is like. I used to sleep for 8 to 10 hours daily. That too was deep. Really deep. Like you can shake or slap me and I will not wake up. But it is past. Gone. I cannot sleep like that anymore. I hardly sleep for some five hours now. I wake up and my neck and back pains. I feel drowsy throughout the day.
And then there are these feels. One moment I am calm and happy. Sometimes later I am panicking. It is like I have lost control of my mind. Someone else is doing the thinking for me. And he is really bad at the work he has been doing.
I think about future a lot. It frightens me sometimes. But sometimes it is good to me. There is this fear that I will not be able to achieve anything. I know future is uncertain. But knowing things and doing them has gotten difficult for me lately.
I get angry a lot these days. Even for the smallest of things. It is like I want to pick up a brick and smash it against their hands. Nothing helps the anger but running. I run when I get angry now.
I eat a lot these days. Fast food and soft drinks. Home made food does not taste good now. They make my stomach upset. But I just cannot stop. They have also affected my monthly savings.
And then there is the thing with people. I do not understand them and their actions and what they say. Everything is different. I cannot understand my actions also. I tend to act opposite of my thoughts. What I think is not what comes out of my mouth. It is like a jumbled mess.
Writing down these things, I do not know if they help or not. I am unsure of everything. It has been a month since I have been like this. I have noticed this change in me. But I cannot seem to do anything to change it. And the anger is heavy. The smallest of thing or change is just an excuse for me to get angry.
I have distanced myself from things I used to do. This change is good or bad for me. I do not know. Maybe time will tell.