I mixed water with stupidity and guilt and I drank it. It hurts now.
I just did a stupid thing. There’s this whatsapp group which has people. It is meant to be a useful group, just like all whatsapp groups are supposed to be. But it’s just another group where people forward messages in bulk. So this group had some 97 notifications and while checking the messages, I called a girl on whatsapp (I know she was a girl because I read her name). I didn’t want to. I didn’t mean to. But this stupid phone, technology, network, world, hand did it anyway. I am so full of guilt now. I just want to say sorry while hitting my head against the wall while muttering that it won’t happen again. I am taking it too seriously, I know. But I have tried telling myself that all of it was a stupid mistake. But the guilt and what it means kills me bit by bit. It should’ve not happened. Anything like this in on my mind. Guilt is also here. The worst thing about guilt is that it doesn’t come it itself and reveal itself to the world. It stays inside, getting heavy and heavier by each passing moment. I am writing this because I won’t be able to do anything until I get it outside. And this is my escape route.
Things are complicated right now.
I did something and it turned out bad anyhow,
Since both the ends of thing, that is start,
And the end jumbled themselves and did hurt.
Now I sit alone and try to contemplate,
How this guilt is heavy on soul and sorry is great.
All I now pray is for time to fly,
And things shall get over because till then i shall remain shy.
Afterwards, the girl messaged me asking me why I had messaged her. I wrote a long message stating the reason and apologised for the mistake. But still I have this guilt and fear. The fear that she will misunderstand this stupid gesture as a weird chap trying to stalk her and trying to talk to her.
All of it is stupid. And doesn’t make any sense. I should sleep.